The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) Read online

  But then I smiled. We weren’t together anymore. I didn’t have to put up with this. I was free. No longer did I have to engage her in this bullshit. So I ignored her. This may sound immature, but I don’t mind admitting that I got an enormous amount of satisfaction knowing that my silence would be driving Stacey crazy. My instinct was proven correct when she sent me a fourth text: Too scared to face the truth? You’re not a real man.

  If ever I needed proof that I had made the right decision, there it was. Stacey was not the same person I had once known and fell in love with, and I knew that moving on was the best thing for me. Stacey on the other hand had different ideas, and not content with sending me abusive texts, my phone started to vibrate with her name flashing up on the screen. I contemplated sending her straight to my voicemail but I had already learnt my lesson with the 47 messages at New Year. I wanted to nip this in the bud now.

  “What do you want, Stacey?” I abruptly answered.

  “Don’t speak to me like that,” she was drunk. “Who do you think you are?”

  I could hear Sophie egging her on in the background. I could just imagine her big mop of frizzy hair waving around like Medusa’s snake locks.

  “What do you want, Stacey?” I asked again.

  “I just want to let you know that I’m so over you. I’ve found someone else and he is more of a man than you ever were.”

  “So you’re dating Sophie, then?” I managed to stifle my laugh.

  “You think you’re so funny, don’t you? You’d better hope you don’t see me out because next time you won’t be able to run.”

  “Hold on Stacey, I have got someone here who wants to talk to you. Say hello to my mate tone.” And I clicked off.

  I sat there for a while wondering how things had gone so wrong. Why had Stacey allowed herself to be manipulated by that witch Sophie? The girl I knew at university seemed like a distant memory, but I couldn’t dwell on it any longer, and I certainly wouldn’t blame myself for what had happened.

  My phone beeped and the fifth text from Stacey came through. It was short, direct, and to the point: wanker.

  I switched the television off and decided to call it a night. I got into bed and started to think about what Stacey had said. It really played on my mind. Not the part about me being a wanker obviously, but the fact she had met someone. I hated to admit it but it had got to me. Had she really met someone so soon or was she just trying to be spiteful and get a reaction out of me? It was probably the latter knowing her.

  My phone beeped again. This was now getting beyond a joke. What sort of monster had she turned into? How long was this going to go on for?

  The 10th annual cock sucking and deep throating contest is this Friday. Don’t bother coming mate, we’ve got girls to come this year. Thanks anyway champ! Yeah, I’m all over it buddy! See you Saturday. Come on!!

  I smiled. Jack was on board for drinks next week.

  Chapter 6: Out of Practice

  Saturday, January 31, 2009 - 7.35pm

  Drought Clock: 30 days, 8 hours, 13 minutes

  Sitting in my flat in Balham, I stared at the computer screen, clicking my way through the pictures in the photo gallery. I had toyed with the idea of removing Stacey as my friend on Facebook. It was pretty clear that we were never going to be friends in the real world again, so why bother being cyber friends?

  It presented a constant reminder of what she was up to. That is probably the worst thing about social networks on the net. Your private life is no longer private anymore. Even Jimmy Mercer – who I only vaguely remembered as the fat kid from primary school who used to sit at the back of the classroom sniffing Sherbet Dib Dabs – had constant access to my every move.

  And now, looking at Stacey with her tongue down the throat of some Neanderthal with two huge gold hoop earrings, I was starting to think I had made a mistake by not cutting all ties with her.

  “Come on, mate, don’t do this to yourself,” Rob said swigging at his bottle of beer.

  “I can’t believe she has moved on so quickly,” I continued flicking through the pictures. It had now been four weeks since we had split up. The photo gallery I was looking at was titled Friday night @ Oscars and had been uploaded this morning.

  I stopped on one picture of Mr gold earrings – tagged Dave Rowett – sandwiched in the middle of Stacey and Sophie. He had his hands on Stacey’s chest while Sophie maniacally laughed behind him.

  “She knew I’d see these pictures,” I said pointing at Sophie, who had posted the gallery online.

  “Forget about it, and turn the computer off,” Rob handed me a beer. “Come on, drink.”

  He clinked his bottle against mine. I took one final look at the screen, gulped down a mouthful of beer and shut the computer down.

  “Atta boy,” Rob slapped me on the back. “Tonight I am making it my personal responsibility to get you hooked up. And she’ll be a damn sight prettier than that goon Stacey was assaulting. I can’t believe you used to kiss that mouth.”

  I laughed hard, nearly spitting out the contents of beer swishing around in my mouth. I needed a good laugh. I had not been out since New Year’s. A combination of working late and waiting for pay day to roll round had kept me stuck indoors.

  “Come on, take your beer with you,” Rob said putting on his brown designer leather jacket. “I told the others we’d meet them at eight.”

  There was a cold bite in the air as we made our way down to Balham Station, and Rob had a mischievous look about him. “This is where it begins, Danny boy.”

  “What are you talking about,” I asked him.

  “Single life,” he said it as though that was meant to clear everything up. Obviously the look on my face told him I still had no idea where he was going with this.

  “Danny, for three years you have done a very honourable thing. You gave your penis to just one woman,” Rob patted me on the back. “Honourable, but fucking stupid at the same time.”

  “Eh?” was about all I could muster as we entered the tube station.

  “You were what 19, 20, when you hooked up with Stacey? Do you know how sad it is that I slept with more girls at your university than you did?”

  Rob had a point. Every time he came to visit me he pretty much cleaned up.

  “You wasted a lot of opportunities,” he told me. “Luckily for the girls you went to university with I was willing to take one for the team. But I never allowed myself to get tied down to any of them, and believe me when I say that a few of those girls were into that sort of thing.”

  As we stepped onto the escalator, Rob turned to face me. “Single life, Danny,” he said like it was the greatest thing in the world. “Take our current setting, for example,” he said waving his arm around the tube station. “How many times have you been on the Tube on the way to work and seen a really hot girl and thought to yourself ‘if I was single, I would talk to her?’”

  “A few I guess,” I answered. And by a few I meant none. Yes I’d seen plenty of good-looking girls on the Tube, but I would never have the balls to approach any of them – single or not. I just wasn’t one of those guys who were capable of pulling off something like that. We made our way down the platform and Rob continued to educate me on the delights of my newfound single life.

  “Tube stations are a great place to meet women,” Rob enlightened me. “You just need to be confident,” he said scanning the platform. “What about her?” he said pointing towards a girl wearing a long cream coloured coat.

  “She’s cute, I guess.”

  “Go and talk to her then.”

  “What?” I responded like he had asked me to place my hand in a blender.

  “Go and talk to her. Just say hello.”

  “And then what?”

  “Something will come to you,” and he pushed me in her direction. I turned back to him but he waved me on. “If you’re lucky, she’ll bite.”

  A strange uneasy feeling began to come over me. My palms began to sweat. She caught sight of me c
oming towards her out the corner of her eye. I stopped and turned back to Rob but he kept urging me on. Before I knew it I was standing next to her. I needed to say something quickly before this got even more awkward.

  “Excuse me,” I nervously said.

  “Yes?” she faced me, a subtle pink lip-gloss made her lips look luscious.

  “Erm, I was just standing over there with my friend,” I actually pointed towards Rob. “And I just wanted to say hello.”

  “Hello,” she smiled. Yes, she smiled! She could have pepper sprayed me, but instead she smiled. A good sign. Things were going well. I decided to follow this up with...

  ... the longest pause known to man. I drew a complete blank. I puffed out my cheeks as if somehow that would help the situation and rubbed my hands excessively down the side of my jeans. We were experiencing an awkward silence and this wasn’t even a first date. Eventually she broke the unbearable silence by asking “Was there anything else?”

  “No. I mean, yes.” Say something more meaningful than this for fuck’s sake I thought to myself. “You’re getting a tube, then?”

  There are days when I look back at this moment and wish I had asked her if she came here often. Anything else than asking her if she was getting a bloody tube while she waited on the platform at a tube station, directly opposite a map of the Northern Line.

  “Er, yeah,” she replied, now with a slightly nervous tone to her voice as the southbound tube thundered into the platform. “This is my tube,” she said almost relieved to be putting an end to my misery. “Nice speaking to you.” And with that she hopped on, not even giving me a second look, sitting down with her back to the window.

  “So, how did it go?” Rob asked as I shuffled back over to him. “Did you get her number?”

  “No, and if you have any more pearls of wisdom tonight please keep them to yourself,” I pleaded, more than asked.

  The northbound tube pulled into the platform and we got on to make the short two-stop journey to Clapham Common. As we took our seats it was pretty clear Rob was not going to let this go so easily. “Don’t worry about what just happened. You’re just out of practice; it’s ring rust that’s all. After being stuck with the same girl for three-years you have simply forgotten how to chat-up girls. It’ll all come flooding back, trust me,” Rob told me confidently before smiling at a strawberry blonde opposite us, and then engaging her in conversation like it was the easiest thing in the world.

  Maybe Rob was right. Before Stacey I’d had a decent track record with the ladies. Clearly not a track record like Rob; he just needed to look in the direction of a female and she seemed to drop her knickers for him. I just needed to get back into the saddle – it’s like riding a bike as they say.

  God, I really missed riding.

  Ollie and Jack were already waiting outside when we got to Clapham Common. Jack was on his mobile phone. “I told you I was out Saturday night, darling,” he said down the phone in his over exaggerated cockney accent. “It’s going to be a messy one – I’ve brought the big guns out tonight.” Jack spotted us and winked in our direction.

  “Who is he on the phone to,” I asked Ollie.

  “Anna,” Ollie responded.

  “No idea what time I’ll be back, sweetheart.” Jack looked back over to us and used his hand to simulate a mouth chatting by bringing his fingers and thumb together repeatedly. “Okay, don’t wait up.”

  He clicked the phone off. “Hello boys, ready for some carnage tonight?” Jack shook our hands and embraced us.

  We headed into Murphy’s Bar opposite the station, and Rob got the first round in. He left two pound coins in the silver tip tray left behind by the barmaid. She smiled and thanked him as she took the tray away.

  “Why the hell did you do that?” Jack questioned.

  “Because when the bar gets busier later on, I won’t have any problems getting served,” Rob offered as an explanation. “That two pounds just bought me quick and efficient service for the rest of the night,” he winked at the barmaid who smiled back. “And probably a blowsie from her at the end of the night.”

  “It just bought you one less beer is what it bought you,” Jack replied, rolling his eyes.

  We took our place at a table towards the back of the bar. It was our usual spot; just far away enough from the speakers for us to still hear each other over the loud dance music.

  “So what happened to Kirsty from New Year?” I asked Rob.

  “She was nice enough Danny, but nice isn’t always what you want, if you know what I mean?” Rob said.

  “She wouldn’t let you slap her on the face with your cock huh?” was Jack’s delightful input to the conversation, and improvised the movement just to drive his point home.

  “I love dirty women,” Ollie said.

  “What the hell are you talking about? You only do the missionary position,” Jack said before mimicking Ollie’s voice: “If missionary was good enough for my old man, and his father before him, then it’s good enough for me.”

  Rob and I laughed as Ollie tried to argue back. “Shut up, I do other positions,” he said.

  “Like what?” Jack taunted him.

  Ollie took a long pause and a sip of his pint, presumably to try and recall his extensive knowledge of the karma sutra before replying.

  “Up the arse.”

  “Nice,” I commented, raising my eyebrows.

  “Yeah, I get her in the position to do her doggy style, and then I just slip it in,” Ollie said explaining the art to his technique.

  “Doesn’t the girl notice?” Rob asked him.

  “Yeah, but I pretend I haven’t realised and tell her I’ll be finished in a minute anyway.”

  “Touché,” Jack raised his beer to Ollie.

  “And who said romance was dead?” Rob said shaking his head. “Maybe I’ll have to try that one myself sometime.” We all laughed.

  Suddenly all of our eyes locked on a stunning blonde who entered the bar with a group of friends. She was wearing knee-high fuck-me-boots and a snake-print dress. They took up a position directly opposite us at the bar.

  “That bird is absolute,” Jack said, his eyes bulging out of his head, and the accustomed one finger index salute he made when paying a girl the compliment of calling her absolute.

  “Go and talk to her Dan,” Rob said.

  “Are you nuts? I’m not talking to her.” What the hell was he trying to do to me? He had already witnessed the car crash at Balham tube station.

  “Yeah, go and talk to her Dan,” Jack egged me on.

  “Why don’t you go and talk to her?” I fired back.

  “I would, but I’m just waiting for the right moment,” Jack said rubbing his hands together.

  “Ladies, ladies. I’ll go and talk to her,” and Rob got up and made his way over. We all watched the master in silence.

  “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt,” Rob started, confidence oozing from his body language. “I know this might sound really schoolboy, but... I’m so embarrassed, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

  “Don’t be embarrassed, what is it?” she responded, already seemingly hanging on his every word.

  He lowered his head, and rubbed his brow, but constantly sporting that big white smile. “Do you see my friend over there?” He pointed in my direction.

  She looked straight at me. “What the hell is he doing?” I asked the others. Ollie and Jack shrugged their shoulders as they kept their eyes firmly locked on the blonde who was now playing with her hair.

  “He wants to know...” he paused for just the right effect. “He wants to know...”

  Please don’t do this to me I thought, we’re not back in the playground playing my mate fancies you.

  “He wants to know... if you fancy me?”

  What?! I want to know if she fancies him?!

  “Why doesn’t he ask me himself?” she teased, keeping her eyes permanently locked on Rob. I doubt she even knew what I looked like. Or cared.

  “He�
��s shy,” Rob responded.

  “Sure,” she smiled. “You’re not too bad,” and she playfully rubbed her hand across his face.

  And just like that Rob proved his point. He spent the next 10 minutes flirting outrageously with her while Jack kept cursing him for not bringing her over with her friends. “What is he doing?” Jack asked us. “I’ve got the right horn for that dark haired bird. She keeps giving me the eye.”

  “I think she just has a nervous twitch,” I taunted him.

  “I don’t care which one I have. I’m up for anything,” Ollie confessed. “Do you want the fat one Dan?”

  “Funnily enough Ollie, I don’t,” I said.

  “That is fine with me; I’ll take her. Fat birds tend to put a bit more effort in as they don't know where the next shag is coming from.”

  “This is ridiculous,” Jack declared. “I’m not waiting any longer. Oi, Rob!” Jack perched his small frame up on to the seat. “Bring the birds over here – we’ve got plenty of room.”

  Faced with such a charming invitation, how could they resist? Rob led the girls over and made the introductions. The blonde who Rob had been talking to was Katie. Jack immediately made a beeline for dark-haired Jessica, while non-fussy Ollie started up a conversation with fat Kathy.

  Friend number four slid into the remaining seat next to me, but I certainly wasn’t disappointed with what I had been left with. She was petite, with full lips and auburn coloured hair in bob cut. She had pretty little freckles on her nose.

  “Hi, I’m Grace,” she extended her hand, “I guess you’re stuck with me.”

  “I guess so,” I stuttered as I shook her hand. “I mean, I’m pleased I’m stuck with you. Not that I feel that I’m stuck with you. I probably would have chosen you.”

  Get a grip I told myself.

  “You really know how to make a girl feel special,” she smiled and took a sip of her bright coloured cocktail.

  Say something I thought. Everyone else had engaged in some sort of conversation. Jack was overly animated and talking with his hands, while Ollie had no shame in basically talking to Kathy’s chest. I started to feel the same type of anxiety I had felt on the tube platform earlier. What was wrong with me?